Gentle Parenting...

...does not only reflect my beliefs about how I raise my child, and will raise my children. It reflects what I believe to be right about people and life. Gentle parenting goes beyond the sling, beyond the family bed, the extended breastfeeding, extended rear facing car seat, the cloth diapers. Beyond the "methods" I use that have garnered me a label (albeit one I am happy with). I giggle a little when I'm referred to as a hippie mom. I get a kick out of it, and I refer to myself as one, too! But past the easily identifiable, these are some of the values I try to uphold in my daily life as a mother, a friend, a wife, a relative, and as a member of society.

There is some peace that has come with leaving my 20s and having a child. The most significant weight that I have been able to relieve myself of is the need to nurture relationships that are not nurturing to me. I haven't mastered this one yet, but I realize now that the time I have is better spent loving those who love me, and connecting with those who want connection. I hope I can pass this down to my lovely daughter. I don't want her to waste too much of her time, like I did mine, on people who don't appreciate her...flaws and all.

As Charlotte gets older, the topic of discipline comes up more and more in our household. I feel incredibly fortunate for the years of teaching I have under my belt. Not that I have it all figured out, but I have an understanding of a few things that I intend to take with me as I raise my children. The first is that no two children are alike, therefore connection is key. While some kids will do something out of anger, others will do the same thing out of curiosity or mimicking. Some children will push boundaries, others are exploring their environment. Some respond to modeling, others resond to discussion and reason. My point is that understanding the place my child is coming from will inform my approach.

Discipline is about guidance, not control. Of course I would love it if my kids were "well behaved" at all times, but I would love it even more if they sought to understand the world they live in and experience it without fear. And I want them to spend their lives using their minds and creativity to enjoy life, rather than to express hurt and overcome childhood fear, humiliation, parental control, and repressed inquiry. I know that I won't be able to use every second of every day to foster these behaviors, but I can certainly try. And that is what I fully intend to do. It will be time consuming. It will try my patience. But, like building a cathedral, beautiful things take time and patience to render. Life is not simply about obedience.

And before anyone has a chance to tell me, "Just wait until your two year old is throwing a fit while you are sitting at a restaurant. Then tell me how you feel about obedience," I will say this: children need boundaries, and that might mean we leave dinner early, but it doesn't mean humiliation is in order. Kids are not "bad". And I say that with the experience of having a stapler thrown at my head, a sharp pencil aimed at my arm, and a swollen eye behind me (not from Char, of course). Trust me, a fit in a restaurant doesn't bother me in the least. There is always a reason for behavior, and I know full well that pushing mommies buttons is sometimes a reason. But children remain in a state of "me, me, me" for quite a while. Foresight isn't something that is inherent. Toddlers, especially, want what they want when they want it. And I cannot physically change the structure of their brains to NOT want it when they want it, no matter how badly I want to. Instead, I empathize. It is most certainly OK for a child to be upset or angry. These are real emotions that need validation and understanding. That doesn't mean I will give in, but I will not take away my child's right to her emotions. Then, I redirect. The storm will pass. Will I use time-outs? Probably, but I'm not sure how she will respond to them. Will I spank? No. Spanking has been proven to be a short-term solution, with no real long-term benefits, and can be detrimental to a child who just might have a sensitivity to it that could possibly damage the parent-child relationship. And I won't risk that.Will she learn consequences? Absolutely. Natural consequences. Boundaries can be set without physical harm, humiliation, and isolation. But do I have my Master Plan all drawn up yet? Nope. On to the next thing.

My mother is about as kind a woman I'll ever know. She, like everyone, has flaws, but she consistently modeled patience, kindness, empathy, and love with me and my siblings. And when I was growing up, and my first instinct was to pass judgment on other people in certain situations, she reminded me that empathy is a virtue, judgment is not. And don't pretend that you've got all the answers and have the right to judge.

Judgment should be an Olympic sport. There's some serious talent out there, and Motherhood Judgment could be its very own special category. In this category, there would be various events: Breastfeeders vs Formula Feeders, Natural Birthers vs Elective Intervention Birthers, Sleep Trainers vs Non Trainers/Cosleepers, "Traditional" Discipline vs Gentle/Positive Discipline, Strollers vs Baby Carriers, etc. And it seems that some of us have been entered into these events unwittingly, involuntarily, and by some of the people we consider friends. So, since I refuse to join in these games, my counterparts can treasure their Judgment Olympic gold medals while I focus my attention on doing my best to raise a child who does not feel the need to scoff at the choices that other people make.

149...

Day 148...

What Some Might Call A Victory...

...is a rather heartbraking experience for me. 

I remember the sleepless nights rocking her, nursing her, barely able to keep my eyes open, and trying to put her into her bed without waking her up (which never happened, it would take 10 tries some nights). I remember giving in to my desire to bring her to bed with me for the entire night. She would snuggle up in the crook of my arm. And there we'd be. Finally sleeping at night. Together.

She took all of her naps on me during the day. Sometimes four a day. Sometimes we napped together.

I remember the voices of my critics in the back of my head telling me she would never be able to sleep without me next to her, or fall asleep on her own, or sleep in her own bed. And I remember worrying that that would be the case.

There were times when I prayed that she would sleep on her own for even ONE nap. And now here we are. She's asleep. I'm here. She didn't need me to help her. She didn't want me to help her. My eyes welled up as I put her down for bed, giving her a million kisses. Not wanting her weight to leave my arms.

I went at her pace. Thinking this wouldn't happen for a little while longer.

She is comfortable with sleep now. Confident without me by her side every moment. But her solid, peaceful presence in my arms is replaced, tonight, with a heaviness in my heart. My baby is becoming a big girl.

Granola...er Challenge Update Part 2

Well, recycling is underway and I have (surprisingly) gotten my husband on board. You'd swear his ultimate goal in life was to destroy the planet. See what I mean when I say this new lifestyle has been an uphill battle? He's coming around, though!  Anyway, first trip to the recycling plant will be this weekend. Feelin' good :)

My third challenge for myself was to replace my cleaning supplies with natural ingredients. So far, this is what I have replaced:

   **Kitchen Cleaner (similar to Formula 409 stuff)
       -Replaced with a solution of 2 C. Water (in a spray bottle), 1/2 C Vinegar, and 1 Tsp dish soap.

   **Floor Cleaner (generally use products similar to Pine Sol)
       -Replaced with (in a bucket) hot water, 1/2 C. Baking Soda, and 1 C. Vinegar

    **Dish Soap (I use soap similar to Dawn)
       -As soon as I can get my hands on some soap flakes...
       -(will be) Replaced with 2 C Soap flakes to 1 gallon of water

 Place soap flakes and water into a pan. Heat over medium heat stirring occasionally until it boils and until soap dissolves. Lower heat and simmer for 10 minutes to thoroughly combine the ingredients. Remove from heat and let liquid partially cool, add the essential oil and stir. Pour into a clean plastic squeeze bottle or re-used dish soap bottle

These are what I'm starting with, since I use them daily.

I explained some of my reasoning for challenging myself in this way in a previous post, but I wanted to share some other information that helped me choose to go natural with my cleaning supplies.

   *Average Americans spend nearly $2000 per year on cleaning supplies. Using natural ingredients significantly reduces that expenditure.

   *The EPA has determined that indoor pollution is 2 to 5 times more dangerous than outdoor pollution, and chemical cleaning products are mostly to blame.

   *The millions of gallons of chemicals that are dumped down our drains eventually make it into the ecosystem, and are eventually absorbed into the tissues of plants, fish, and wildlife.

My Earth Destroyer spouse is actually impressed! I mopped the floor a few days ago and some time later Char was crawling around on it. He sort of..well freaked and said, "Oh great, let her crawl around on that floor that's all covered in chemicals after you mopped." First, I told him to hold off on the aneurysm. Then I told him for the five THOUSANDTH time that I'm using vinegar, water, and baking soda. He's doing fine now.

Day 147...

Day 146...